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See some more reviews by the Celticfrog under his nom de realité Alex McGilvery
written for Millenium SF & F
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Redlight
The Celtic Frog's Comments:
I like the story so far.The 'essential steps' are an especially good hook. They set
the tone for the rest of the narrative. You might consider tryiing them in a different
font, or somehow set apart a little from the story. The dialogue, both internal and
external is very well done.
Since this is a work in progress I am not sure how long it is supposed to be. What
I read is a introduction to a fascinating character. She is obviously looking back
at these events. (The essential steps) You have hinted at what she is learning from
the adventure - the integration of her selves. Which is good. I am a little puzzled at exactly
how many voices there are. If that is important you might wish to clarify the issue,
but if it isn't a little puzzlement is not always a bad thing.
A few questions for you to ponder as you continue the story. How is your character's
voice going to change if she does integrate her many voices? The sensible driver
(I like that characterization device.) says that only she would think of breaking into the library. That jars a
little with what you have established of her character so far. How does the library
fit into who she is as well as what she is doing? And speaking of the safe driver,
He has elicited some expectations from the protagonist. What are they? Are they reasonable
or unreasonable? Knowing what they are will make it easier to keep the sparks jumping
between the two. Will they be met, eventually, or will they change? Do the different
voices hold different expectations?
The Celtic Frog
The Irish Holiday
Here is a the beginning of an action story. Three University room mates are caught up by a web of intrigue.
The Celtic Frog's Comments:
I like the way the beginnning immediately starts the action. Your descriptions are
very evocative. You might want to add some odour and taste to the scenery. Be careful
not to over describe. It is possible for description to break up the movement of
the story. I also liked the scene with Nicco the morning zombie (so far he is the most
developed character, Kyle and Kim are a little pale in comparison), and the dialogue between
Kim and the police officer at the accident is wonderful. Your dialogue generally
is good. It sounds like how your characters might actually talk. I got a bit lost in the
pronouns at times, I like it to be really clear who is saying what.
Perhaps throw in a bit more jargon to clarify what these students are studying. Kim
sounds like he is doing post-graduate chemistry (an undergrad chemistry student is
very unlikely to be experimenting with pharmecueticals without several people looking
over his shoulder), is he older than the other two? Why doesn't he go to the police with
the notes? Perhaps it is a left over from his life before coming to North America....
Mr. Solace is suitably omnipotent, but by the thirty-first chapter I would like to
have some inkling about where he is getting his information. It might be an idea
to introduce (or even just mention) someone early on who turns out to be the vile
betrayer. On the flip side it appears that the police/FBI have someone on the inside of the
Solace/MacCann organisation. That could be a useful later. You have set up your
characters as common students caught in an uncommon situation, to maintain the tensions
you have developed you should be wary of making them too effective all at once. (Such
as suggesting the lack of discipline which allowed the fight between the students
and the guards, that was a nice touch.)
A comment on Project 9 - a drug which is to all appearances an untraceable stimulant
would have tremendous impact in the part of the sports world which monitors drug
use. I wonder otherwise why the untraceable part is important. The drug has a huge
moral effect on Kim, but otherwise it appears to be an excuse to start the action. I would
strongly suggest that you make Project 9 more horrible. Perhaps the rats died mysteriously
or began acting in a psychotic fashion after so long. There are so many street drugs out there that you really need Project 9 to be extra horrific to give credibility
to the lengths Solace is going to get it. It could be useful to have the victim of
the "test" be found so the police know from another source than Kim of the potentcy
of the drug.
A few questions for you to think about. What, exactly is the hold that Solace holds
over the Irish? It needs to be pretty dire. How is he going to market this new drug?
Even street drugs don't go from discovery to making millions over night, yet there
is a sense of urgency about the whole thing. What is the key to the whole thing that will
give the students the edge? Why does Solace need people to blow things up? Why is Solace keeping your pasta eating mercenaries around
when they are the ones who screwed up? Maybe Kreuger has a hold on Solace... all
is not what it seems. I have enjoyed the story so far and I am looking forward to what
will happen next.
The Celtic Frog
